A few months ago, Stephanie and James Kain finally welcomed home their daughter, Serena.
“We had a heart for other children in the world needing families, and strongly felt we’d like to complete our family through adoption,” says Stephanie.
The Kains embarked on the adoption home-study process knowing they wanted to adopt an older child. Their birth sons were 12, 16 and 17 and the Kains believed that an older child would do well within their existing family because their lifestyle was geared toward adolescence and young adulthood. Also, Stephanie and James had no desire to go back to sleepless nights and changing diapers.
At first – unaware of the many children in B.C. who need families – the Kains considered international adoption. Later, they met a social worker at a community gathering and learned of the province’s waiting children. The Kains decided to attend an information session, which confirmed for them that pursuing adoption of an older child through the Ministry was the right way to proceed.
“The homestudy process was a great experience,” says Stephanie. “At first, we didn’t know what to expect – but once we were involved, our concerns were put to rest.”
Nevertheless, there were some dispiriting moments. Stephanie explains she was discouraged by the pace of the process and the drawn-out schedule of home visits.
Now that Serena is home with them, however, the Kains understand why things needed to proceed slowly. “It seemed like a huge amount of time, but looking back, it wasn’t. In the end, the time spen t d was worth it,” says Stephanie.
Once they were immersed in the home-study process, the Kains began reading profiles of children available for adoption in the Ministry’s Adoption Bulletin. Independently, Stephanie and James were drawn to Serena’s profile and felt they were the family for her.
“Serena stood out to me immediately,” says Stephanie. “Then, when James later viewed the book, he picked the same girl!”
The Kains asked their social worker to find out more about Serena. They were delighted to find out that she was still available for adoption, but they also learned that Serena had not yet been prepared for the possibility of adoption. It can be difficult to find adoptive homes for older children, and consequently, social workers are careful not to falsely raise children’s expectations.
The Kains were very interested in Serena. Through written assessments and conversations with people who knew Serena, the Kains learned more about her emotional, intellectual and physical development.
In the meantime, Serena was being prepared for adoption. . Her social worker asked her if she wanted to be adopted and Serena’s first response was no. Then Her social worker let Serena know that there was a family that wanted her. Serena simply couldn’t believe it.
A family album was prepared for Serena which depicted what life was like at the Kain household. Serena took the album back to her foster home to consider. It took some time, but Serena eventually indicated that she wanted to meet the Kains.
“The day I first met our daughter was amazing,” Stephanie says. “For six months, we’d been gathering information. We also had to take a course and do some reading on issues relating to older-child adoption, as well as specific areas that we might need to work on as a result of Serena’s past experience.”
Stephanie met her daughter at the mall with the social worker. At this point, James did not come because Serena was comfortable meeting only mom a woman. Both Stephanie and Serena were very nervous, and they admitted this to each other. It took a bit of time, but soon mother and daughter began talking easily to one another – so much so that their visit went well beyond its scheduled time.
Days later, Serena agreed to met Stephanie and James at a park. James was nervous, but upon receiving a hug, James knew Serena would soon be coming home. An elderly man at the park happened to asked James if Serena was his daughter, and his automatic reply was ‘yes.’ Following the man’s departure, James asked Serena if it was okay he had said that. Serena said it was.
In her next visit, Serena met her brothers and saw her new home. Following a few more visits, it was time for Serena to move in, as thing s felt good for everyone. Since Serena has moved in, Stephanie says there have been a few challenges, but nothing unmanageable because they are so committed to Serena.
“The family had to adjust to having a young girl in our home, instead of all boys,” says Stephanie. “We had to treat her like a member of the family, and not like a visitor, giving her chores equal to her brothers. “
The biggest challenge was to ensure the lines of communication were open, to build trust with Serena. The Kains knew Serena was going through a grieving process, and there were some difficult weeks at the beginning.
Stephanie and Serena developed a system where Serena would write down her feelings, and then pass the paper to Stephanie. Stephanie would then reassure her daughter by writing back. Serena also displayed some very challenging behaviour because she was testing the Kains to see if they would make her leave.
“We told her that, no matter what, she was stuck with us,” says Stephanie. “We had made a commitment and there just was nothing that could be done to change that.”
The next day, a month after she joined the family, Serena started to call Stephanie and James ‘mom’ and ‘dad.’ Since then, Serena has made tremendous progress.
The Kains say it’s hard to remember a time when she wasn’t with them. Serena is doing well in school, has joined the volleyball and basketball teams, and has made some good friends.
“I’m sure we’re in for a few surprises yet, just like we are with our birth children,” says Stephanie. “We’ll continue to live one day at a time, and work through whatever may come, together.”
What advice would the Kains give to others exploring adoption? “Talk to other adoptive parents. Go through the adoption education program, even if you r aren’t sure. It will help you make up your mind. Every child deserves a family.”
*For privacy reasons, names are fictitious.
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