Attachment Perspective
What is Attachment?
Attachment is part of every person's life — it is our bond with others, particularly those people we turn to when we are afraid or we need comfort. Attachment exists from 'cradle to grave' — we do not grow out of it. Our children have attachment bonds with us. They depend on us for their survival, both physically and emotionally. Even if children act as if they are pushing us away, this does not mean they are not attached to us.
Why is Attachment Important to Child Development?
Attachment is a safety net for healthy development. When attachment is secure, children feel comfortable exploring their environment — they do not cling to us unnecessarily — they are free to learn new things about the world and develop new relationships. They also feel comfortable coming to us for help when they need it. They do not try and hide their fears, or avoid us when they are upset. A secure bond provides a good balance for comfort and safety on the one hand, and support for learning new things about the world on the other.
The teen years bring additional challenges for parents because teens have a need to explore and experience other kinds of relationships and develop skills that will allow them to become more independent. Parents are not replaced but it can feel that way at times. When parents can maintain a connection with their teens it helps the teen move forward in their development.
What does Attachment have to do with Behaviour?
Behaviour is a way of communicating our feelings and expectations about having our attachment needs met. When children are anxious, afraid, or just have a difficult time knowing how to express their attachment needs, they may become aggressive or noncompliant, or they may withdraw. When we understand the attachment needs underneath their behaviour, we can respond in ways that helps our children sort out their feelings and needs so they are more clearly communicated. Problem behaviour can be reduced and the bond between our children and us can be strengthened.
What does this have to do with me as a Parent?
Attachment is something that is shared between children and parents — it is a 'shared partnership'. You build the relationship together, you change it together, and you are both changed by it. Your understanding and behaviour in the relationship has a powerful impact on your child's behaviour and development. By understanding attachment in your relationship with your child, you can respond in ways that support healthy development and strengthen the bond between you. By understanding attachment in your relationship with your child you can reduce conflict and, when conflict occurs, use it more constructively.
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